111217 pt 2

I guess by now I have iterated so many of my thoughts I thought I would pen down, but they never materialized. Too late, thoughts are just thoughts, I believe there is a place where thoughts go and die. It’s for the best I think, because it’s part of the cycle.

I don’t know…. I feel so lost now. I think the most important thing is to realize, not just realize in a sense that you have knowledge of this fact but really internalize this realization - that it really is a journey. That life is difficult, and it is only going to get more so. That what makes it easy is you getting stronger, and support from your friends and family. You are and are not alone, in principle. I have full knowledge of this, but I have not really realized it. I realized that I am not at peace with myself, I can only hope I will one day. It’s hard to imagine what it feels like to be at peace with yourself. I’d like to think though, that the moments whereby I am truly at peace with myself are accumulating - I feel that there’s more of those moments recently.

I’d like to come up with certain formulae. Whether when it comes to depression, stressful times, love, et cetera. Like, ok - you need to talk, you need to be aware, you need to write, you need to exercise, you need to meditate. Still, sometimes I still feel like shit. Especially I think since this is a transition from my old formula - instead of drinking and one night stands, now it’s meditating and hangouts with friends. It feels bittersweet too, and mostly this comes from again - the difference in me acknowledging that I am never a finished product and the full realization of such fact. I cling to my old self too hard.

So what do I do from here? I’d like to think that, ok, at least I have this awareness, and there is an outlet - this writing - it’s super important to have an outlet I think. From here, I want to come into full acceptance and forgiveness. Accepting that I used to be that douchebaguette who refuses to believe in the power of a calm mind. From that place of utter condescension to a place of firsthand experience and empathy. I have given myself the permission to fuck up, no matter how many times, and the belief that my friends and family will be there for me. Because… Life will fuck me up and I will fuck life up - in this life I cannot do this alone.

I don’t know how so many of you do it. It’s a place of admiration, a place where I want to be. But what I have is only right here, and right now, and I will again and again go through this again, I will fall and I will get up again, I will suffer and I will survive again. Thank you.