2101018 pt 2

I was reading some earlier entries and saw quite a few complaints on my mental and physical health. For the sake of recordkeeping, I will make a little log of my health:
- I sleep better. Either it's because I've now moved back with my parents and my room is bigger, or because my friend stayed over and said I looked like I was really deep in sleep when sleeping. I used to be insecure about my sleep, like I don't sleep enough hours, or I don't sleep well enough. This took out some of the anxieties significantly. The early morning wakefulness still persists, but I'm much more okay with it. I also napped in quite a few occasions, something I thought I've completely lost the ability of recently.
- I feel better mentally too. Still running, still meditating. And I still go out and feel nourished socially. Enough balance of both daytime and nighttime activities.
- Going through rough patches with work, I cried in the bathroom at work and had a little breakdown at home, but I hope I get stronger from this.

Around the same time last year, I think I had the same thought as I have now: Wow, it's only January. And usually when it's nearing the end of the year, I'd go: Wow, the year is ending! Time is a funny thing.

210118

Wow, I guess I was quite successful at not looking back. I mean, there were lapses here and there, it would be a sin to deny that. And I'm not ruling out the possibility of future lapses. When I think about it, though, love is really like a mental disease. It's harrowing. It takes time to recover, but you do recover. But during recovery you always fear relapse.

I hope I can get over this fear someday. When I was brushing my teeth this morning, I found myself wishing something I'd never dreamed I would wish upon myself one day: I wished I would not fall in love again this year. But it's only 21st of January, and a year is long, there are more than 300 days to go. That toothbrush wish might be situational, for a little while my fear eclipsed my desire. Maybe I was not hoping for the absence of love, maybe I was just wishing things would get a little easier... or I would get a little stronger. Not immune -- vulnerable, but stronger. I think that's the only condition you can let love flourish in.