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was awakened at 3am. it's 6:25 now. people just came back from their halloween parties. i hate parties now...although i had tons of fun the previous night. there's so much in my mind..... and although intellectually i know it's all just in my mind, i feel trapped. i also find it hard to write if not out of desperation. is it wrong? i feel ridiculous.... like i'm running out of friends to tell this to. i'm losing hope, although intellectually i know that this is temporary. i always wax lyrical about the transience of things but i suck at it the most. do things have to be grey forever? is this part of the process? my head hurts... but that's okay. i'll keep on going. i don't know what tomorrow brings.... but that not knowing should bring, more than anything else, hope and more hope.