250318

On a social media diet. Let's see how long this will last. Ideally, until I reach Somerville. I thought I need this, it's getting really toxic for me. So much noise which I don't need. An obsession with someone who was never mine in the first place. I guess I'm never the bigger person I thought I was capable of being - someone who can see everything and just mouth a simple, casual "cool." Right now I am definitely not so simple, nor am I casual nor cool. I take things quite seriously... I imagine it could be a headache for some people. So there's nothing else to do but retreat. I don't even really tell this to my friends, I don't know how to and I doubt it's worth listening. Everybody has their own misery. But sometimes, maybe 1 out of 4 times I am really alone I can't compartmentalize things that well yet, especially when it comes to love, it bleeds and spills all over the place. It feels good sometimes that nobody can witness this.

We stopped talking, which I think is accidentally really good. That's the only way I can move on. It was very nice of him to initiate friendship but I'm never meant for post-relationship friendship. My hobby is burning bridges. But I guess that wasn't enough yet.... I need to get it out of my system completely.... I need to not know at all: I don't want to know, I don't need to know. But the fingers are slippery and boredom aplenty - so I just need to cut it off thoroughly this time. Of course, of course... I won't deny that despite all this there's still a flicker or hopeful light in me. It's stupid, it's naive, it's counterproductive. But it's understandable. I try to be optimistic and think that this is just part of the healing process, the clinging-to-every-little-trace-left. I want to let go, but I need to not wish away this clinging so much that I end up clinging to that clingy feeling. It's a mental game that I learn via meditation.

So my counterargument is that I need to express myself. Well, there are other means. This space for one is always here.... and there's nowhere else safer. Maybe if my diet is successful this space will be more than what it has ever been. Maybe there will be pictures... more blurbs... etc. For now though, I'll just end it here: Have my glass of water and do the dishes. Feeling better and composed already. Thank you, everyone and no one in particular....

170318

Sometimes I feel like life is one long detour from a journey that leads to nowhere. But this acknowledgment that it leads to 'nowhere'...it doesn't exactly sit well with a lot of people, including me. Everyday we are trapped in a race to somewhere, rallying against one another to be the first to claim knowing what we want. "He seems like he does not know what he wants." Surprise surprise, neither do I, and probably neither do you, actually. But still we find false consolation when we hear this. Maybe at times we are more sure of what we want—but we shouldn't punish ourselves or others for those times we're less so.

We are grappling on all our fours with uncertainties like no other creature. I especially struggle with this. I am ashamed by my tendencies to ascertain, to possess, to coddle. I struggle to accept that sometimes I lose my cool.... that I have so much in me: passion, anger. Am I not the walking epitome of cool, calm, collected? For people whom I want to stay a constant with, I think it's important to let them see this. But before I expect them to accept this, I first have to come to terms with it, and boy is this a tough assignment to work on...