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People say don't look back at your past, it's over. But in fact, that's precisely the thing I am going to do today. It's a source of learning and a very powerful tool for me to work on myself, I believe.

First of all, I am going to admit the things I hate about my foray into this "self-discovery"/"self-healing" journey, before I dive into myself and my past.

1. I hated the fact that I'm back here again. Because that means I'm facing a similar issue again, that means I need help, that means I have not solved my issues. That means defeat. But there is no way I can solve my issue without work, and writing things out is one of them.

2. After watching this video, I realized that I have this thing: Attachment trauma. There is a little bit of embarrassment in admitting that, initially, this morning, for all I know I came from a "perfect" family: My parents are still alive, not divorced, love and support each other, they always provide everything for me - My family is not abusive, we have enough to eat and some more. So how is my "trauma" justified? I feel guilt and shame in this. There are so many people out there who have gone through so much more and turn out "fine". That makes me feel like I'm weak, like a loser. That makes me feel like I'm a spoiled brat whose needs to be attended to. And that's definitely one of my insecurities, one of the reasons why I subconsciously feel like I'm not worthy of love. But attachment trauma --big or small-- affects people and their relationships. Sometimes it just means I am a highly-sensitive person. And it is something that I have to accept instead of run away from.

3. I hate that recently, after realizing that I need "help", I go and find resources on self-help relentlessly. I thought I was above all that, that I don't need help. I remember when I first came to Singapore, I was very active on twitter and I had this little "circle" consisting of people who are very bitter, cold, and "ironic". I thought they were super cool, different, and realistic. I remember I had a friend who was always positive all the time and at that time I thought my friend was delusional and naive. Why would you wanna fool yourself? Don't tell me "semua pasti ada hikmahnya" when things are just fucking ugly and shit (There is, hikmah in everything now though, I think now. It just isn't always obvious immediately).

So it's no surprise that I also used to have a certain disdain for self-help industry: It's a giant moneymaking machine and its effectiveness is highly questionable. But everybody needs help! There is no shame in that. Also, I don't have to dismiss the whole self-help industry - there are some really good materials out there for free, I can cherry-pick. Maybe I have mistakenly paint every
"self-help" material in a single brushstroke. Also, I can get all the help I want, but still I need myself to actually dedicate my time, effort, and energy into this work. There is no magic pill out there. That's real "self"-help right there, and I think there's beauty in that.

Wow, that's really a lot to unpack. I remember 2 years ago, when I was close with someone, he asked me this question: "What do you fear the most?" My answer was: "My mind". I think this quote by Dr. Wong on Rick & Morty really hit the nail in the head:

"Rick, the only connection between your unquestionable intelligence and the sickness destroying your family is that everyone in your family, you included, use intelligence to justify sickness. You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind as an unstoppable force, and as an inescapable curse. And I think it's because the only truly unapproachable concept for you is that it's your mind within your control. You chose to come here. You chose to talk, to belittle my vocation, just as you chose to become a pickle. You are the master of your own universe. And yet you are dripping with rat blood and feces. Your enormous mind literally vegetating by your own hand. I have no doubt you would be bored senseless by therapy. The same way i’m bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass. Because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is: it's not an adventure. There’s no way to do it so wrong you might die. It’s just work. And the bottom line is: some people are okay going to work and some people... well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose."

There is a lot more to unpack and I'm not sure if the following "sessions" will be as structured, but baby steps, right?

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Read stories on https://adaa.org/living-with-anxiety/personal-stories and started crying...

I love love life and I hope I don't ever forget that !

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Hello, I can't believe that I'm back? It's almost exactly 3 years ago, the last time I was here.

Wanted to run but I guess this is also necessary.

So I've been awake since 1am, and couldn't sleep since despite the melatonin

I wish this was easier... When my friend showed me videos that make sense, but for some reason very hard to practice although easy to understand and relate to at that moment.

Have felt lost for the past 2 months, thought I got my shit together but apparently not?

Doubting everything, but I know that I will go through this. I know there is a place to come back to.