281018

was awakened at 3am. it's 6:25 now. people just came back from their halloween parties. i hate parties now...although i had tons of fun the previous night. there's so much in my mind..... and although intellectually i know it's all just in my mind, i feel trapped. i also find it hard to write if not out of desperation. is it wrong? i feel ridiculous.... like i'm running out of friends to tell this to. i'm losing hope, although intellectually i know that this is temporary. i always wax lyrical about the transience of things but i suck at it the most. do things have to be grey forever? is this part of the process? my head hurts... but that's okay. i'll keep on going. i don't know what tomorrow brings.... but that not knowing should bring, more than anything else, hope and more hope.

010918

When she started doing it, she didn't even think about it. The past-midnight kiss, the ducking into toilet kiss, the cool smoke from sitting on the cold pavement, the awkward walk home, the cliche animal question, the abrupt morning kiss. That should've ended it, she thinks now. But that didn't.

200818

It dawned on me that... although I feel sad sometimes I don't feel incomplete. And although I feel lonely, I know that I'm not alone in feeling this loneliness, I know that this loneliness is an illusion, all of us are in this together.

120818

It's harder to start with gratitude isn't it? Just not my usual mode. When it comes to urges, I seem to favor the theory that negative emotions make a better trigger (as elaborated briefly in my previous post). Does this have to change? I don't know, but I do know now that I started getting urges from good places, I mean... it's more like, hey I'm happy, and I want to let it out - instead of ohmygod I can't believe this is happening, this is making me feel so bad, I need an outlet - and this is usually how I write, writing is medicine for me. Which is great, I'm not gonna lie, everybody needs an outlet, but what about those times when you write from a happy place? Does it make you feel better? Does it have a reverse effect - happy thoughts start to sideline and venture into dark places, and you end up feeling worse? I don't know enough to give you any form of conclusion.

Anyway I am now listening to this track which I like a lot. It possibly illustrates what I'm feeling now pretty well? Like even if nothing particularly fantastic is happening (which to me, generally means: 1) a new, attainable object of desire 2) a new creative project 3) meaningful conversations or 4) new new new shiny things in general), I am content, and beyond that I am happy! I just want to capture this emotion, this feeling, like it's worth pausing for and it has its own weight in the world. It deserves some credits! It's so weird.... I guess the place where my old thinking came from, is that being grateful = bragging, no matter how humbly you want to package it.

It's also funny if I say, look how far I've come - because to an untrained (or simply unfamiliar) eye, I'm not making much... 'progress'? I still live with my parents, in Singapore, doing sales, I probably fit into the definition of being 'stuck', at least the definition I've set for myself 3-5 years ago. I don't want to mull over how wrong I was, or ridicule my old belief too much, I think there's still some truth in it. But now I'm just acknowledging the shift in my thinking, and consequentially the way I approach things in general, as subtle as it is, because nobody can do anything with it except myself.

I must say the biggest change, or the most notable agent of change for me is meditation. I still veer off course to dark places, but oftentimes there's a voice at the back of my head saying a variant of "this is part of the journey." (e.g. "everybody goes through the same thing", "I understand how shitty you feel right now but this is nothing unique or special!", "this pain however intense does not last!" or even when I feel good, I remind myself that although I can't imagine anything bad happening right now, that does not mean that something bad is not going to happen, does not mean that I'm not going to be disappointed or surprised, but also most importantly it does not mean that this particular knowledge should hold me back from feeling the joy in its entirety, despite its impermanence, or even rather, because of its impermanence. This is a value that I never stopped preaching loooong way back but I realized that what meditation is doing, which is very very important, is it acts as a constant reminder, pulling me back to this truth, like the 'pink elephant' thing.)

This, in turn, gives me some form of confidence, that I've found home, that everything is okay and even if it is not (which will happen) it will be okay again. A simple message that is too easy to forget. Which is why I found it interesting that in Iceland, when asked what Icelanders believe in, the most common answer is 'myself'. That captures where I'm coming from pretty accurately.

The first change is me being okay with changes. With the fact that identity is fluid. This warrants permission to forgive myself, to be unaffected by what other people are doing.

Another notable change is the level of organization I've loosely committed myself too. Maybe there's some use to being organized? Last time it sounded to me like an antithesis to creativity: Creativity is chaos, spontaneity, an absence of planning. But maybe there's art in creating a conducive environment for the creative juices to flow. My DJ friends organize their library. Ottessa Moshfegh allocates time when writing her books - althought I cannot vouch for the result as I have not read any of her works (and the person whose taste in books I trust the most hate the book). Inspiration comes and goes, just like feelings, just like thoughts, what we do as a vessel, is just let them be.

Thirdly, awareness. It seems paradoxical or gimmicky at first that meditation encourages you to be more aware of yourself, of your surrounding, but not carried away by either.... I mean, how can you not be carried away? Here is the idea: To not numb yourself or block your receptors or renounce all desires (at least not in the secular meditation that I'm practicing), which inevitably will allow all sorts of thinking and emotions that arise. All thoughts are welcome. All emotions are welcome. Don't deny them, just be aware that hey, they are there. By being aware, you notice that it's just a feeling, or a thinking, and there's no need to label it right or wrong, just notice that it's there, if you know what it is that is great, even better if you can find out the level of intensity. Then allowing yourself to feel it without any context. Not dwelling on it but not shying away from it. Just feel it... slowly. In its rawest form. And that is how I manage my attempt at not getting carried away...or when I am, I remember to come home. This spectrum of emotions is important, and when there's a rush, there's an implied understanding that what we are rushing is not important at all.

A combination of all these made me realize that it's important to remain organized but at the same time leaving room for unanticipated changes, even those originating from myself. To be malleable but not groundless. That is what I strive for - I don't want to set a timeline, for now - as cliche as it sounds - I expect that this would be a lifetime journey of learning.

To put myself first but to give other people more love, and also more credit. Whatever I am experiencing, other people have experienced it. But whatever another person is experiencing... I might not have experienced it.

I want to thank everyone who's been part of the journey (it's only starting), friends, acquaintances, higher power, even if my gratitude will never reach them. To me, these small little things constitute progress, even if no one gives me credits for it. And this is what makes me happy and feel good about myself the most.

050818

If I tell you that I've been fine, I'm not sure you'll believe it. Majority of entries on this blog tell you otherwise. And as much as I want to believe David Lynch's words that your creative work does not have to come from a dark place... it's harder in practice. I'm not saying that it's the only trigger that works, but so far - it's the best trigger. A lot of precious glowing bright unquestionably positive and full-of-clarity moments have passed by, and I let them. I feel bad sometimes because I only look for an outlet when (guess what) I feel bad.

I've run out of things to say. It's just another cycle, and hoping that it'll be the last, and I'll hit move on. Feel like printing this article out and read it every day.

160718

Feel the impulse to speak in monologue stronger than that to write these couple of days. Wanted to just speak and have someone transcribe my speech - we have an AI tool for that at work, which I realized is garbage (pretty sure it's the accent effect too, it probably works much better in the states).

No one was in the office today so it was driving me mad to have to work normal hours in a claustrophobic environment (no open window facing the outside too), had a friend swing by the office after lunch and she could understand my frustration... I guess I prided myself on being one who keeps her complaints to a minimum and only when it's absolutely necessary but now I think I just haven't had time to properly digest the medium-long term implication...like a lot of things I can tolerate very well in short term but it's silently eating me alive when left longer, and I don't realize what a fool of myself I'm making. I'd like to think my awareness/realization comes faster though, nowadays.

So I started talking to myself, also started singing to one of my songs on spotify and then realized that there were three people in the room directly adjacent to me, thought oh. They could definitely hear me...

So wrt monologues I started listening to Brad Listi's otherppl podcast again and holyhell is it brilliant. I feel like...a lot of podcasts that people like seem so tedious to me, like those crime or "how things work/happen" podcasts but literature podcasts feel very refreshing. Not necessarily a podcast where you read off lit works but more like those in an "interview" format, and the people he interviews, these authors...sound sooo relatable. I don't even read their works lol.

I discovered Lynne Tillman this way and enjoyed one of her books, tried to pick up another book but there's just too many references I don't get so I had to put that on hold for now. That's the thing right, you like a certain author/artist's work/thinking but it's based on/solely centers around other artists' certain works so it feels like double work, like you have to know/read/watch the original work they're talking about in order to get some context and sometimes you can't be bothered, you're more interested in the analysis rather than the actual work itself...Is it a cardinal sin to just look at the analysis? I have a tendency to do this and try to stop it, either because I realize I can't reap the full merits of the analysis (I'll always miss out on something, even if I finish & thoroughly enjoy the analysis, it's almost like an inside joke that is still funny to an outsider - but still not as funny as it is to someone who has context), or it's just too much, I'm losing it, I don't know what she's talking about anymore lol.

Anyway today I was finishing the episode with Azareen van der vliet Oolomi (Brad: your name sounds like...you're just destined for greatness) when I slipped into heaven aka ultrasmooth bus-on-the-highway slumber, and woke up not realizing the next ep with Elif Batuman had already been playing (why do authors all sound so buttery on air???). Anyway, there's this part whereby they were talking about the shame that stems from when you start on a project/a book and then slowly...when you finish, the shame almost dissipates because the beginning, the base of the form seems so different from who you are now, eg when you write about the dynamic between a student and a professor, you start out by relating more with the student, the frustration at the professor who seems to...not be able to live up to the student's expectation. As years go on....draft after draft...you start relating with the professor more, so in the newer drafts you tone down the professor's character (comparison between 24yo Elif vs 38yo Elif - not sure if it's to scale, time-wise, wrt The Idiot). I think this is a very interesting observation...

But then Brad put the icing on top, saying something along the line of "when you revisit your old text you start realizing... oh my god, the stuff I'm preoccupied with...were there. It's almost like there's a red thread. The stuff I was confused about then, the stuff I'm confused about now." Relate with this 1000%, when I read my old text I'm like dude. I've always been like this! In a different format! I was like what - 15 and was thinking about love like this? I thought I only started my 'obsession' with love 3 years ago! Oh well, anyway I thought it was a very good observation and I liked it a lot, there's still more but I'm gonna stop and sleep for now

150718

Came to a realization that I stopped wanting so much, made me scared, the thought of me letting go... After all the things I've said, after I've exhausted the list of things I should've said, there are still things unsaid. Made me wonder... what's the use of saying things at all then? Things change colors, truth changes. Remember the old adage of just do it, just say it, not doing/saying it comprise the most common regret in people's lives. But there are probably things better unsaid, perhaps regret is not such a bad thing -- and if you live your life, doing things just for the sake of avoiding regrets, at all times, you're probably not living too -- you're living for your future self.

Probably now the most important thing, for me, is to pause -- if I don't know what I should do, I should pause. Take however long I need. And whatever I do later, I shall accept the consequences. Regret, discontent, etc... The pause is important because consciousness should be part of most decision-making processes.

Too early to draw any conclusion at all but I've probably come to terms slowly again with what I need to come to terms with. I don't know about tomorrow, but today I feel content, I feel at peace, with the fact that I am probably not gonna have him -- not now, not tomorrow, not forever. And I don't have any other one, and to be honest I'm scared, I'm scared I can't find another, I'm scared of finding another. But for the first time my life feels complete: My family is here, I like my job, I have friends close and far I can call home. For once I don't want to live another life. I also feel I'm not gonna hide anymore, try to show a little bit of myself, be vulnerable.

It's 7:20 in the morning, and it's drizzling lightly, and the world glows with kindness all over again.

140718

Hello! Just a quick update since it's dry season here. It's been 4 months? I've started my new job, traveled to...Boston, NYC, KL, Jakarta (twice)...2018 flew by just like that. Broke my meditation streak in Boston. Went a tad reasonably crazy in Jakarta. 2 of friends' weddings (another one in the upcoming 2 weeks?) Cried a lot, but in tinier portions almost everyday. Friend said that I'm lonely. This week was quite good though, I feel pretty stable and content, even with unpleasant events cropping up some days... Sometimes when it's crappy you realize that it's not so bad, it gives you room to breathe for the previous problem you're stuck in. Yeah really it's not all that bad

250318

On a social media diet. Let's see how long this will last. Ideally, until I reach Somerville. I thought I need this, it's getting really toxic for me. So much noise which I don't need. An obsession with someone who was never mine in the first place. I guess I'm never the bigger person I thought I was capable of being - someone who can see everything and just mouth a simple, casual "cool." Right now I am definitely not so simple, nor am I casual nor cool. I take things quite seriously... I imagine it could be a headache for some people. So there's nothing else to do but retreat. I don't even really tell this to my friends, I don't know how to and I doubt it's worth listening. Everybody has their own misery. But sometimes, maybe 1 out of 4 times I am really alone I can't compartmentalize things that well yet, especially when it comes to love, it bleeds and spills all over the place. It feels good sometimes that nobody can witness this.

We stopped talking, which I think is accidentally really good. That's the only way I can move on. It was very nice of him to initiate friendship but I'm never meant for post-relationship friendship. My hobby is burning bridges. But I guess that wasn't enough yet.... I need to get it out of my system completely.... I need to not know at all: I don't want to know, I don't need to know. But the fingers are slippery and boredom aplenty - so I just need to cut it off thoroughly this time. Of course, of course... I won't deny that despite all this there's still a flicker or hopeful light in me. It's stupid, it's naive, it's counterproductive. But it's understandable. I try to be optimistic and think that this is just part of the healing process, the clinging-to-every-little-trace-left. I want to let go, but I need to not wish away this clinging so much that I end up clinging to that clingy feeling. It's a mental game that I learn via meditation.

So my counterargument is that I need to express myself. Well, there are other means. This space for one is always here.... and there's nowhere else safer. Maybe if my diet is successful this space will be more than what it has ever been. Maybe there will be pictures... more blurbs... etc. For now though, I'll just end it here: Have my glass of water and do the dishes. Feeling better and composed already. Thank you, everyone and no one in particular....

170318

Sometimes I feel like life is one long detour from a journey that leads to nowhere. But this acknowledgment that it leads to 'nowhere'...it doesn't exactly sit well with a lot of people, including me. Everyday we are trapped in a race to somewhere, rallying against one another to be the first to claim knowing what we want. "He seems like he does not know what he wants." Surprise surprise, neither do I, and probably neither do you, actually. But still we find false consolation when we hear this. Maybe at times we are more sure of what we want—but we shouldn't punish ourselves or others for those times we're less so.

We are grappling on all our fours with uncertainties like no other creature. I especially struggle with this. I am ashamed by my tendencies to ascertain, to possess, to coddle. I struggle to accept that sometimes I lose my cool.... that I have so much in me: passion, anger. Am I not the walking epitome of cool, calm, collected? For people whom I want to stay a constant with, I think it's important to let them see this. But before I expect them to accept this, I first have to come to terms with it, and boy is this a tough assignment to work on...

240218

I am embarrassed by how much I love. Like every time I think to myself I'm over it, I'm not. But I think if I step back and distance myself from it...like try to not relate so much with this feeling, it dissipates. I must remember: I am not the only one feeling this. This is a universal experience. How difficult it is to get over someone is not an indication of how likely you will be together in the end. It's part of the process and while deep in it, it's hard to see it. But you don't have to see it to believe it. You just have to know, and everything will be alright.

2101018 pt 2

I was reading some earlier entries and saw quite a few complaints on my mental and physical health. For the sake of recordkeeping, I will make a little log of my health:
- I sleep better. Either it's because I've now moved back with my parents and my room is bigger, or because my friend stayed over and said I looked like I was really deep in sleep when sleeping. I used to be insecure about my sleep, like I don't sleep enough hours, or I don't sleep well enough. This took out some of the anxieties significantly. The early morning wakefulness still persists, but I'm much more okay with it. I also napped in quite a few occasions, something I thought I've completely lost the ability of recently.
- I feel better mentally too. Still running, still meditating. And I still go out and feel nourished socially. Enough balance of both daytime and nighttime activities.
- Going through rough patches with work, I cried in the bathroom at work and had a little breakdown at home, but I hope I get stronger from this.

Around the same time last year, I think I had the same thought as I have now: Wow, it's only January. And usually when it's nearing the end of the year, I'd go: Wow, the year is ending! Time is a funny thing.

210118

Wow, I guess I was quite successful at not looking back. I mean, there were lapses here and there, it would be a sin to deny that. And I'm not ruling out the possibility of future lapses. When I think about it, though, love is really like a mental disease. It's harrowing. It takes time to recover, but you do recover. But during recovery you always fear relapse.

I hope I can get over this fear someday. When I was brushing my teeth this morning, I found myself wishing something I'd never dreamed I would wish upon myself one day: I wished I would not fall in love again this year. But it's only 21st of January, and a year is long, there are more than 300 days to go. That toothbrush wish might be situational, for a little while my fear eclipsed my desire. Maybe I was not hoping for the absence of love, maybe I was just wishing things would get a little easier... or I would get a little stronger. Not immune -- vulnerable, but stronger. I think that's the only condition you can let love flourish in.