010918

When she started doing it, she didn't even think about it. The past-midnight kiss, the ducking into toilet kiss, the cool smoke from sitting on the cold pavement, the awkward walk home, the cliche animal question, the abrupt morning kiss. That should've ended it, she thinks now. But that didn't.

200818

It dawned on me that... although I feel sad sometimes I don't feel incomplete. And although I feel lonely, I know that I'm not alone in feeling this loneliness, I know that this loneliness is an illusion, all of us are in this together.

120818

It's harder to start with gratitude isn't it? Just not my usual mode. When it comes to urges, I seem to favor the theory that negative emotions make a better trigger (as elaborated briefly in my previous post). Does this have to change? I don't know, but I do know now that I started getting urges from good places, I mean... it's more like, hey I'm happy, and I want to let it out - instead of ohmygod I can't believe this is happening, this is making me feel so bad, I need an outlet - and this is usually how I write, writing is medicine for me. Which is great, I'm not gonna lie, everybody needs an outlet, but what about those times when you write from a happy place? Does it make you feel better? Does it have a reverse effect - happy thoughts start to sideline and venture into dark places, and you end up feeling worse? I don't know enough to give you any form of conclusion.

Anyway I am now listening to this track which I like a lot. It possibly illustrates what I'm feeling now pretty well? Like even if nothing particularly fantastic is happening (which to me, generally means: 1) a new, attainable object of desire 2) a new creative project 3) meaningful conversations or 4) new new new shiny things in general), I am content, and beyond that I am happy! I just want to capture this emotion, this feeling, like it's worth pausing for and it has its own weight in the world. It deserves some credits! It's so weird.... I guess the place where my old thinking came from, is that being grateful = bragging, no matter how humbly you want to package it.

It's also funny if I say, look how far I've come - because to an untrained (or simply unfamiliar) eye, I'm not making much... 'progress'? I still live with my parents, in Singapore, doing sales, I probably fit into the definition of being 'stuck', at least the definition I've set for myself 3-5 years ago. I don't want to mull over how wrong I was, or ridicule my old belief too much, I think there's still some truth in it. But now I'm just acknowledging the shift in my thinking, and consequentially the way I approach things in general, as subtle as it is, because nobody can do anything with it except myself.

I must say the biggest change, or the most notable agent of change for me is meditation. I still veer off course to dark places, but oftentimes there's a voice at the back of my head saying a variant of "this is part of the journey." (e.g. "everybody goes through the same thing", "I understand how shitty you feel right now but this is nothing unique or special!", "this pain however intense does not last!" or even when I feel good, I remind myself that although I can't imagine anything bad happening right now, that does not mean that something bad is not going to happen, does not mean that I'm not going to be disappointed or surprised, but also most importantly it does not mean that this particular knowledge should hold me back from feeling the joy in its entirety, despite its impermanence, or even rather, because of its impermanence. This is a value that I never stopped preaching loooong way back but I realized that what meditation is doing, which is very very important, is it acts as a constant reminder, pulling me back to this truth, like the 'pink elephant' thing.)

This, in turn, gives me some form of confidence, that I've found home, that everything is okay and even if it is not (which will happen) it will be okay again. A simple message that is too easy to forget. Which is why I found it interesting that in Iceland, when asked what Icelanders believe in, the most common answer is 'myself'. That captures where I'm coming from pretty accurately.

The first change is me being okay with changes. With the fact that identity is fluid. This warrants permission to forgive myself, to be unaffected by what other people are doing.

Another notable change is the level of organization I've loosely committed myself too. Maybe there's some use to being organized? Last time it sounded to me like an antithesis to creativity: Creativity is chaos, spontaneity, an absence of planning. But maybe there's art in creating a conducive environment for the creative juices to flow. My DJ friends organize their library. Ottessa Moshfegh allocates time when writing her books - althought I cannot vouch for the result as I have not read any of her works (and the person whose taste in books I trust the most hate the book). Inspiration comes and goes, just like feelings, just like thoughts, what we do as a vessel, is just let them be.

Thirdly, awareness. It seems paradoxical or gimmicky at first that meditation encourages you to be more aware of yourself, of your surrounding, but not carried away by either.... I mean, how can you not be carried away? Here is the idea: To not numb yourself or block your receptors or renounce all desires (at least not in the secular meditation that I'm practicing), which inevitably will allow all sorts of thinking and emotions that arise. All thoughts are welcome. All emotions are welcome. Don't deny them, just be aware that hey, they are there. By being aware, you notice that it's just a feeling, or a thinking, and there's no need to label it right or wrong, just notice that it's there, if you know what it is that is great, even better if you can find out the level of intensity. Then allowing yourself to feel it without any context. Not dwelling on it but not shying away from it. Just feel it... slowly. In its rawest form. And that is how I manage my attempt at not getting carried away...or when I am, I remember to come home. This spectrum of emotions is important, and when there's a rush, there's an implied understanding that what we are rushing is not important at all.

A combination of all these made me realize that it's important to remain organized but at the same time leaving room for unanticipated changes, even those originating from myself. To be malleable but not groundless. That is what I strive for - I don't want to set a timeline, for now - as cliche as it sounds - I expect that this would be a lifetime journey of learning.

To put myself first but to give other people more love, and also more credit. Whatever I am experiencing, other people have experienced it. But whatever another person is experiencing... I might not have experienced it.

I want to thank everyone who's been part of the journey (it's only starting), friends, acquaintances, higher power, even if my gratitude will never reach them. To me, these small little things constitute progress, even if no one gives me credits for it. And this is what makes me happy and feel good about myself the most.

050818

If I tell you that I've been fine, I'm not sure you'll believe it. Majority of entries on this blog tell you otherwise. And as much as I want to believe David Lynch's words that your creative work does not have to come from a dark place... it's harder in practice. I'm not saying that it's the only trigger that works, but so far - it's the best trigger. A lot of precious glowing bright unquestionably positive and full-of-clarity moments have passed by, and I let them. I feel bad sometimes because I only look for an outlet when (guess what) I feel bad.

I've run out of things to say. It's just another cycle, and hoping that it'll be the last, and I'll hit move on. Feel like printing this article out and read it every day.