090122

It's been two years! Time flies but at the same time, I can tell the difference between me in June 2020, and the me now. I still sometimes write the year "2021" instead of "2022". It's a blur, who can argue otherwise?

Ever since I started being more "disciplined" in journaling... I kinda abandoned this place. I didn't understand what good this space is for, but I think it now serves as kind of a buffer. Like it's between....public "public" like my twitter or instagram (although it's been private for years) and the private-private like my journal. I don't know if you can reach here somehow from the comfort of your search engine, but it's not like you require a password or anything for access. In an era where private spaces and public spaces are slowly meshing into one another - a familiar blur - I think it's important to have a certain buffer.

Also, while the positive effects of "self-help" were not all that new to me in 2020, I realize I need a more diverse set of tools. I can't deny I like thinking sometimes, and I don't think I engage 100% with the belief that all thoughts are the root of suffering. Throughout 2021, I've been through valleys of decent highs and lows that upon hindsight, were actually quite new to me. Sometimes you take a look at someone's social media profile and you can kind of tell that what they refer to as "looking inwards" is purely cosmetic, and more of an aesthetic. Sometimes you feel guilty because this realization makes you feel a tiny bit superior to them, even just for a bit. But that does not mean that your observation is wrong.

2021 felt like the beginning of an explosion of the newsletter era - it felt so good because it feels like the blogger days all over again. Thoughts are longer, more elaborate, and in my opinion - more honest, and you're not "forced" to read them unlike social media. The explosion kinda tapered off toward the end of the year - for me because unlike blogs where you can link all your favorite blogs on your own blog, for newsletters you have to click "subscribe" and the only place you'll see them is your inbox. I feel I am a lot more selective with newsletters I subscribe to because my inbox storage is limited. Plus, sometimes you have to pay. There is only one I always look forward to, and one that I think has struck the balance between pattern & novelty, public & private - and that is Haley Nahman's newsletter. So much so that when she took a break in December, I still find value in my newsletter subscription because now I had time to catch up with the content I missed throughout the year.

Some of the most outstanding pieces to me are:

- An episode of her podcast with some researcher/writer on the paradox of choice

- Her post when she was being depressed (I feel like her piece & the medium i.e. her newsletter are so perfect because it has some intimate details and yet at the same time... it's not too revealing or begging for attention etc)

- Her post on buying a record player and a reflection on her depressive episode

I myself was kinda in a rut this past week, and that newsletter on her reflecting on one of her depressive episodes helped a lot. I was struggling to find out why - I was so happy the week before, right after my self-isolation period - and I was still on leave, I had all the time in the world, I had so much sleep, ate well, etc. And her post defending "burdens" rings so true to me. Sometimes you remove all restrictions and the "floating" sensation suddenly feels like sinking depression. That reminded me again that I loved some order, some restrictions, certain deadlines, not having enough time, having to function on what little sleep I have, et cetera et cetera. Haley mentioned that this is different from being "productive" according to capitalism:

This isn’t a morality tale about productivity. I was doing a lot before, just differently. What mattered was that I was pushing myself toward structure and commitment, rather than away from them. Consequently, my life felt smaller, the possibilities before me slightly narrower. It was a paradox, then, that I finally felt like I could breathe. I don’t see this state as a permanent aim (I am not the pope), but it’s nice, every once in a while, to remember that frictionlessness is not the key to life it’s often made out to be. Constraints have a way of dulling the ache of uncertainty. Like picking one of 20 records to play, you don’t waste much time wondering which is the right choice, or whether you should change it once you’ve started. Once it’s on the platter, the needle sliding idly across its well-worn grooves, you’re committed,  you’re locked in, for better and for worse.

Sometimes great arts are born in these types of conditions. I'm not saying what I'm putting out into the world are, but this helped me put things into perspective a bit, feel less guilty about feeling bad about myself and feeling like I've "wasted" my off week. I am changed a little bit having had this perspective. And her point about records is so true - that reminds me that I should start selling my records, because my collection is growing and I am not as familiar with them as I was when the collection was much smaller. To me that defeats the point of having records as my main mode of access to music.

030620

I am very proud of myself. These past couple of weeks I have been binging on self-help content...I think I went a bit far but, I believe it has equipped me with the necessary knowledge to go through this "on my own"

Of course, companies and friends and family are great, but this is the time...I feel...like I have to "rise to the occasion" myself. This is the "challenging time" that will test my level of consciousness. Sometimes I forget that I have all the necessary tools to be well on my own. To "transmute" negativity into positivity, without resorting to denial. Because really, if you listen....if you drop all rationalization....you'll hear a soft hum of okayness, of peace, of joy. It is there within, you just have to listen. And life will show you the way.

020520

All this time she's been thinking...what made her this way? What made her so anxious? She has to remember, anxiety is not her, it is her who is feeling the anxiety....

She can detach herself from this anxiety. Just observe it. She thought it was just pms, but she is observing that she is still vulnerable to external factors. That is okay. That is part of the process. She is not alone.... She has god, she has herself. She has her parents, no matter how imperfect they are. It is not about comparing the difficulties... Everybody has their own portion. She has to tap into her inner strength, and she knows how. Deep down she does. If she has to die, let's say, in a year, what changes will she make?

Trust, and surrender.... And trust, and surrender....

200420

Why you should have faith:
1. You have seen people with worse mental disorders (bipolar, etc) have healthy relationships
2. Your relationship with your parents before were in deep shit, but now it is greater than ever!
3. You need anchors in your life and you have them
4. There is always a solution

Resources:
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/dating-someone-with-anxiety-what-you-need-to-know-and-do/
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-anxiety-can-cause-relationship-problems-1393090
Ginger (the app! - https://techcrunch.com/2019/09/04/ginger-an-mit-spinout-providing-app-based-mental-health-coaching-to-workers-raises-35m/)

This blurb:
Anxiety has nothing to do with courage or character. Nothing at all.
Courage is feeling the edge of yourself and moving beyond it. We all have our limits but people with anxiety are just more aware of theirs. Despite this, they are constantly facing up to the things that push against their edges. That’s courage, and people with anxiety have it in truckloads. Remind them that you see who they are and that this has nothing to do with that anxiety thing they do sometimes. People with anxiety are strong – you have to be to live with something like that. They’re sensitive – they’ll be as sensitive to you and what you need as they are to their environment. That makes them pretty awesome to be with. They’re reliable – to control for the potential of something triggering an attack, anxious people will go the extra step to make sure there’s a plan and that everyone is safe, happy and have everything they need. They’re intelligent – they’re thinkers (which is what gets in their way sometimes). They can be funny, kind, brave and spirited. So I suppose it’s like this – they’re no different to anyone else. As with everyone, the thing that trips them up sometimes (their anxiety) is also the thing that lifts them above the crowd.

Don’t try to make sense of what’s happening.
People with anxiety know that their anxiety doesn’t make sense. That’s what makes it so difficult. Explaining that there’s nothing to worry about won’t mean anything – it just won’t – because they already know this. (Oh boy do they know this!) They would have told themselves not to worry a billion times the number of times you’ve said it to them. If it hasn’t helped so far then one more won’t make a difference. Be understanding, calm and relaxed and above all else, just be there. Anxiety feels flighty and there’s often nothing that feels better than having someone beside you who’s grounded, available and okay to go through this with you without trying to change you. Telling them not to worry is as effective as asking you not to think about pink elephants. Really try not to think about pink elephants swinging from a vine. With flowers in their hair. Just stop thinking about them, those crazy big pink babes. See how that works?

200420

Hello. Do I have to announce that I'm here again? It's a process of trial and error, I believe. Okay, let's get practical. Was listening to Pema's video while I could not get some sleep. Fell asleep then got woken up again, then listened to the whole thing. By this time, everything to me sounds like the same thing....and I realized it's not about all the theories. It's all about how you feel. E.g. letting go, fearlessness, tenderness, acceptance, surrender, etc.... and I am scared that I will never get there. I really don't know whether I'm making any progress. Sometimes I feel like I get a glimpse of them, but sometimes I also lose them. But for now, I am just going to list things that make me feel better:

1. Exercising
2. Meditating
3. Pam (with a certain hangover)
4. Controlled breathing
5. Talking to a friend
6. Yoga/Yin Yoga
7. Sleep (if possible)
8. "We're all in the same boat"
9. Knowing that there are people going through the same thing
10. Acceptance
11. Talking to my mom
12. Hugging my pet
13. Try religious rituals?

031119

People say don't look back at your past, it's over. But in fact, that's precisely the thing I am going to do today. It's a source of learning and a very powerful tool for me to work on myself, I believe.

First of all, I am going to admit the things I hate about my foray into this "self-discovery"/"self-healing" journey, before I dive into myself and my past.

1. I hated the fact that I'm back here again. Because that means I'm facing a similar issue again, that means I need help, that means I have not solved my issues. That means defeat. But there is no way I can solve my issue without work, and writing things out is one of them.

2. After watching this video, I realized that I have this thing: Attachment trauma. There is a little bit of embarrassment in admitting that, initially, this morning, for all I know I came from a "perfect" family: My parents are still alive, not divorced, love and support each other, they always provide everything for me - My family is not abusive, we have enough to eat and some more. So how is my "trauma" justified? I feel guilt and shame in this. There are so many people out there who have gone through so much more and turn out "fine". That makes me feel like I'm weak, like a loser. That makes me feel like I'm a spoiled brat whose needs to be attended to. And that's definitely one of my insecurities, one of the reasons why I subconsciously feel like I'm not worthy of love. But attachment trauma --big or small-- affects people and their relationships. Sometimes it just means I am a highly-sensitive person. And it is something that I have to accept instead of run away from.

3. I hate that recently, after realizing that I need "help", I go and find resources on self-help relentlessly. I thought I was above all that, that I don't need help. I remember when I first came to Singapore, I was very active on twitter and I had this little "circle" consisting of people who are very bitter, cold, and "ironic". I thought they were super cool, different, and realistic. I remember I had a friend who was always positive all the time and at that time I thought my friend was delusional and naive. Why would you wanna fool yourself? Don't tell me "semua pasti ada hikmahnya" when things are just fucking ugly and shit (There is, hikmah in everything now though, I think now. It just isn't always obvious immediately).

So it's no surprise that I also used to have a certain disdain for self-help industry: It's a giant moneymaking machine and its effectiveness is highly questionable. But everybody needs help! There is no shame in that. Also, I don't have to dismiss the whole self-help industry - there are some really good materials out there for free, I can cherry-pick. Maybe I have mistakenly paint every
"self-help" material in a single brushstroke. Also, I can get all the help I want, but still I need myself to actually dedicate my time, effort, and energy into this work. There is no magic pill out there. That's real "self"-help right there, and I think there's beauty in that.

Wow, that's really a lot to unpack. I remember 2 years ago, when I was close with someone, he asked me this question: "What do you fear the most?" My answer was: "My mind". I think this quote by Dr. Wong on Rick & Morty really hit the nail in the head:

"Rick, the only connection between your unquestionable intelligence and the sickness destroying your family is that everyone in your family, you included, use intelligence to justify sickness. You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind as an unstoppable force, and as an inescapable curse. And I think it's because the only truly unapproachable concept for you is that it's your mind within your control. You chose to come here. You chose to talk, to belittle my vocation, just as you chose to become a pickle. You are the master of your own universe. And yet you are dripping with rat blood and feces. Your enormous mind literally vegetating by your own hand. I have no doubt you would be bored senseless by therapy. The same way i’m bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass. Because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is: it's not an adventure. There’s no way to do it so wrong you might die. It’s just work. And the bottom line is: some people are okay going to work and some people... well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose."

There is a lot more to unpack and I'm not sure if the following "sessions" will be as structured, but baby steps, right?

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Read stories on https://adaa.org/living-with-anxiety/personal-stories and started crying...

I love love life and I hope I don't ever forget that !