Fuck love, and fuck half-baked shit. i'll try to not ever look back

121217

One of the great paradoxes about love is how it seems like a special feeling, and yet there is a certain universal quality to it. Everyone who has fallen in love knows what it feels like. And yet you still live with the opinion that well, this feels special... doesn't it?

111217 pt 2

I guess by now I have iterated so many of my thoughts I thought I would pen down, but they never materialized. Too late, thoughts are just thoughts, I believe there is a place where thoughts go and die. It’s for the best I think, because it’s part of the cycle.

I don’t know…. I feel so lost now. I think the most important thing is to realize, not just realize in a sense that you have knowledge of this fact but really internalize this realization - that it really is a journey. That life is difficult, and it is only going to get more so. That what makes it easy is you getting stronger, and support from your friends and family. You are and are not alone, in principle. I have full knowledge of this, but I have not really realized it. I realized that I am not at peace with myself, I can only hope I will one day. It’s hard to imagine what it feels like to be at peace with yourself. I’d like to think though, that the moments whereby I am truly at peace with myself are accumulating - I feel that there’s more of those moments recently.

I’d like to come up with certain formulae. Whether when it comes to depression, stressful times, love, et cetera. Like, ok - you need to talk, you need to be aware, you need to write, you need to exercise, you need to meditate. Still, sometimes I still feel like shit. Especially I think since this is a transition from my old formula - instead of drinking and one night stands, now it’s meditating and hangouts with friends. It feels bittersweet too, and mostly this comes from again - the difference in me acknowledging that I am never a finished product and the full realization of such fact. I cling to my old self too hard.

So what do I do from here? I’d like to think that, ok, at least I have this awareness, and there is an outlet - this writing - it’s super important to have an outlet I think. From here, I want to come into full acceptance and forgiveness. Accepting that I used to be that douchebaguette who refuses to believe in the power of a calm mind. From that place of utter condescension to a place of firsthand experience and empathy. I have given myself the permission to fuck up, no matter how many times, and the belief that my friends and family will be there for me. Because… Life will fuck me up and I will fuck life up - in this life I cannot do this alone.

I don’t know how so many of you do it. It’s a place of admiration, a place where I want to be. But what I have is only right here, and right now, and I will again and again go through this again, I will fall and I will get up again, I will suffer and I will survive again. Thank you.

111217 pt 1

I think I'm sick! I also feel like I can't ignore the problem of my early morning wakefulness any longer. I went to a clinic and they said, either I'm pregnant or I have acid reflux. I'm pretty sure it's not the first case although I threw my kit away a few seconds too early. Anyway, I feel like this is part of... growing up? Being diagnosed with conditiones, one at a time. I think I need to take care of my health... what's the use of all the rest if I don't have my mind and my body? It's time to be selfish.

Well, I want to quit smoking. Haven't smoked for 4 or 5 days. I'm gonna cut down gradually, or only smoke when I drink. Not gonna drink so much as well. It feels soooo bittersweet, like it's hard to let go of this, like hey I don't wanna grow up... but I know I must. I just don't know if it's too early? It feels so fast.... I just hope it'll help with my early morning wakefulness.

091217

I think I have no problems starting things. I learn fast, I adapt well. Whether it's something new to learn or someone new to love. But I don't know if it's a good quality? Because I'm afraid now that I'm not going to stick with whatever I have chosen. For example, I just learned python 3 days ago, and I've been spending 1-2 hours each day for it. And I look forward to doing it actually. Now, I don't know if this level of excitement is sustainable? I manage to keep some habits with me, like running and meditation... But I know I have discarded many others too. Like learning French, or drugs. How will I know that this is not just a phase? What if it's not a phase and it changes who I am?

081217

I think it's true when poeple say that it's easier to write when you are sad. I have been okay lately, which weakens the urgency to pour it all out. I don't know.... I'm kinda in this limbo of self-pity and constant fatigue. Like there's something wrong with my body. Work has been tiring.... give me a break. I have slept okay, but this period is where I don't sleep as well as last time.

I did the math: I am more physically active (I run almost every day), I am intellectually stimulated (always something new at work, and I just picked up python - let's see how long this lasts), I am supported by a cluster of great family and good friends. But I'm so sleepuy and salty.... and I hate it.

There is only one reason for this, and I hate to admit it: Love. I can't help but think, these past 3 years... my Christmas has been blergh. End of year is always a heartbreak time for me, like a bitter karma. I know, I know, new year will come and in the past 3 years a new prospect always comes up and everything feels way more than okay again. But after a while it feels false, no? Like a bulk of my happiness depends on this thing. If I could choose... maybe I'll choose to be crippled somewhere else, not love.

Admitting this is hard. I want to think of myself as an ambitious, independent person who can survive on her own. And then I was introduced to love, and I realized that hey, I used to think of love as a given. As easy. Now it's my weakness, and I can only hope that I'm getting stronger from all these encounters.

today i thought to myself, "hey, you don't have to be happy, you know." because sometimes i feel that burden - like good things are happening to me and I'm supposed to be happy - yet I feel a vacuum instead. I think it's ok, I don't have to feel what people expect me to feel. I'm not obliged to feel happy, I'm bothered by some things, does not mean that I'm not being grateful. I feel content thinking these thoughts, like I'm free.