homecoming

Hello, hi, it's been a while. I abandoned this space because I thought I didn't have time to write. But well, I stil did write, just not here. I was writing another entry when I discovered my writing from May 11, which means, it was Days Before I Met Him. And I understood that version of me, but I thought it was so cryptic. I think I used to write that way, either to protect myself or to abstracize my thoughts in an attempt to sound like I am more enlightened than the rest. But no more. It's time to bare it all. I like some quality that I could find in my writing those days, but for me now to write is to heal, not to produce good pieces. Especially since I have my safe space here. My colleague was saying to me yesterday, "I mean, what are you doing here in sales? I think you should do more... philosophy, literature, I don't know. Do something that you are good at."

I'm a generalist now. I used to think that it's a problem, to not be especially good at one thing, to have breadth but not depth. To not possess mastery. But I thought, fuck it, life is long. At this point in time the worst thing I could do is to be hard on myself. Because if I'm losing me, whom do I have? I know that time is limited and one day I'll get old and I might look back one day and think, oh, I wish I could've done more. Heck, my life used to depend on this single principle. But I think enough is enough. I forgive myself for being tired, even if people think I haven't done enough. There will always be more. I think the most important thing right now is to just be kind. How to be both - to unleash your fullest potential and still be kind to yourself? I think there is more than one way. And I'm learning it now.