homeostasis

I don't feel so good. My work consists of sometimes hopping from one place to another - events, meetings. I skipped an event today, and I feel bad. I am outside the building typing this out. Why do I feel bad? Because I think this is running from my responsibility. Deep down, I still think I haven't done enough. I'm still struggling with this. I hope by being aware of it I'm one step closer to peace. I need a constant reminder that it's okay. Am I always like this? I don't think so... I think this is one of those rough patches in my life, it colors life vivid.

I'm still a bit dazed from two bottles of wine last night. I don't sleep very well recently. Something is bothering me - I have a rough idea, but I don't know what to do with it. I think I'm still not very good with uncertainty. But I have this idea, that my turbulence will stabilize as it goes through this process of homeostasis. So I let go of the need to feel stable now. Right now, I think to myself, take all the time you need. You have all the time in the world. At the same time, all you have is now. Now is when I'm typing this out. Now is when the gentle breeze blows, now is a quiet morning when the sun is shining before it rains again later. Now is 9:40 am, November 30th. I don't have to think of it with a context. I don't have to think, oh, 2017 is ending. Because time is just a string of nows. And if I don't feel so bad now - I would rate my mood now as +1 - if I can still breathe well, I am still able to complete a coherent thought, well, it's not so bad, isn't it? I think it's good to be here now.