what gets you started? i'm writing because of this thought i'm thinking: "if i don't write this down now, it's gonna go away." so writing is pretty much an effort to build a sense of permanence, to leave a legacy--or something, whatever you want to call it, regardless of the scale. but isn't everything impermanent in the first place? does it matter if a building stands tall for one month or one year or one whole century? who's left there to remember it? "at least you tried," who will reward you for trying? everybody's trying. does omnipresence render something obsolete?

so essentially the point is not to create a sense of permanence or build a foundation to accommodate it, but to make things last longer. but again what's the point if it's not permanent in the first place? is permanence an illusion, or is impermanence one? (who knows.) everybody dies, and afterlife is a fiction after all (that's one heck of an effort to deny impermanence over there but again, who knows). is extension of length the only concern here, or does quality come with time? do things get better with time in the first place, or do they corrode? do they rust and shed their layers, bit by bit, leaving the core, eaten from the outside by time and space and time again, and vanish into the thin air. do they.

so what's the point after all? i'm trying to believe, but i do not want to be somebody who believes for the sake of believing in something. but anyone can argue that it's better than nothing--at least you're starting, and starting is the hardest part. it probably gives you a sense of control, not letting things to happen to you--not passively waiting for the world to bring the light to you, to prove or disprove whatever it is you feel like about to believe in. to be honest. i'm tired of sitting on the fence. but i do not want to jump off the fence for the sake of jumping off the fence. how can someone believe in something they believe in? what makes them do it? nature vs nurture? internal factors vs external factors? why are we here at all? will "nobody knows" ever be an intelligent, sound answer, instead of a lazy one? i've seen people use it wisely, but i don't think i can at this point. i'm here and there and everywhere. where will i end up? and i'm sincerely asking for the answer here--not waging a war against the existence of an answer: who knows?