210118

Wow, I guess I was quite successful at not looking back. I mean, there were lapses here and there, it would be a sin to deny that. And I'm not ruling out the possibility of future lapses. When I think about it, though, love is really like a mental disease. It's harrowing. It takes time to recover, but you do recover. But during recovery you always fear relapse.

I hope I can get over this fear someday. When I was brushing my teeth this morning, I found myself wishing something I'd never dreamed I would wish upon myself one day: I wished I would not fall in love again this year. But it's only 21st of January, and a year is long, there are more than 300 days to go. That toothbrush wish might be situational, for a little while my fear eclipsed my desire. Maybe I was not hoping for the absence of love, maybe I was just wishing things would get a little easier... or I would get a little stronger. Not immune -- vulnerable, but stronger. I think that's the only condition you can let love flourish in.