Came to a realization that I stopped wanting so much, made me scared, the thought of me letting go... After all the things I've said, after I've exhausted the list of things I should've said, there are still things unsaid. Made me wonder... what's the use of saying things at all then? Things change colors, truth changes. Remember the old adage of just do it, just say it, not doing/saying it comprise the most common regret in people's lives. But there are probably things better unsaid, perhaps regret is not such a bad thing -- and if you live your life, doing things just for the sake of avoiding regrets, at all times, you're probably not living too -- you're living for your future self.
Probably now the most important thing, for me, is to pause -- if I don't know what I should do, I should pause. Take however long I need. And whatever I do later, I shall accept the consequences. Regret, discontent, etc... The pause is important because consciousness should be part of most decision-making processes.
Too early to draw any conclusion at all but I've probably come to terms slowly again with what I need to come to terms with. I don't know about tomorrow, but today I feel content, I feel at peace, with the fact that I am probably not gonna have him -- not now, not tomorrow, not forever. And I don't have any other one, and to be honest I'm scared, I'm scared I can't find another, I'm scared of finding another. But for the first time my life feels complete: My family is here, I like my job, I have friends close and far I can call home. For once I don't want to live another life. I also feel I'm not gonna hide anymore, try to show a little bit of myself, be vulnerable.
It's 7:20 in the morning, and it's drizzling lightly, and the world glows with kindness all over again.
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