how often do you feel like being dead? i used to get such pangs once or twice a year, and it was pretty normal to be acquainted with misery this way, i thought. because i took a cup of long black coffee and i felt okay again

every time i hoped that no one would ever see the ugly swells under my eyes, hot and puffy like chicken buns

and these swells were not getting better, and i knew that there are so many bad things out there that could happen to my life but if the life i am living is no longer under my control i feel obliged to hand it back soon.

i never counted, but the gaps between my thinking about death were getting closer everyday

twice a year, thrice a year, once a month

and recently, once a week

the book that i just lost, it says that when you are dead you are going to be asked about your good deeds and evil deeds, and if your evil deeds outweigh a piece of feather, you will have to go to hell But this piece of feather is no ordinary feather, it's heavy so that not many people will have to go to hell, because gods are trying to be kind to us, because kindness is an essential property of gods

and then i thought, this is why people commit suicide. there are less stupid suicide attempters than you thought there were, you know

we just realise earlier that when the day is long and when our misery outweighs that piece of feather, there is no point carrying on. it really is nonexistent.

i feel like one day these gaps will be extremely close to one another, through which a fire ant has to even squeeze its way through, and by the time it can't get through the gap anymore i would have been dead.

when you're dead you can't sleep anymore, i think. the dead are always awake. but being awake never tires them, because they can keep on watching the living, and the living are amusing and foolish and hence fun to watch; a cure to their boredom.