i do not know how to begin

ok. first i'd say sorry i feel like, our relationship was the worst you've ever had wasn't it

it's not about comparison because i obviously know nothing of your previous ones but oh boy wasn't it noticeable

i mean, your gloved eyes and layered skin, they spared me only a concealed gaze, unwanted to be infected, because stupidity is contagious

all the way you'd been dragging yourself to my level and i'd say that i feel sorry for you now

but mostly i feel sorry for myself too

because

no other boys listen to the same music, no other boys read the same books, because no other boys hold such structured opinions, no other boys as young as you

but i needed time to grow up, what did i know at that time? stubbornness and life from a rear view mirror

now i've acknowledged death and suicides, but not afterlife, and a little bit of that ability of knowing what's important in my life and what could be put aside (clothes) because the best things happen when you're not in them

and like what you said, we're not more than a speckle of dust, unimportant, but those who say this constantly are always the ones who've moved far forward, leaving the clueless ones behind

and like what you said, "tell me if you think of doing anything stupid"

i'm writing this letter because writing this letter is something stupid, and besides i really want you to know that your presence has had a big impact on my life, you know i wish it could've been a two way mutual symbiosis, which simply is more just and fair and square

i do not miss your kiss, i do not miss much of our previous relationship because we both know it was quite damaged, a relationship of the worst kind

and only after we broke up was i able to see things clearly, was i able to smarten up and make use of my time more efficiently

i wish we'd held some discussions together, you'd have taken the lead but would still let me express my opinions, you wouldn't remould them but would just give them a sense of direction

and you know my love for you will never turn into hatred and your hatred for me will never turn into love

but assumptions stay assumptions and love stays love

and i know that we should've not dragged ourselves to each other's level

but i couldn't keep you, you're only someone i look up to

even with a second chance i'll still be wasting you, like what your ex boss said

"if we keep you we'll only be wasting your potential."



good luck sidharta, i've never seen a boy as bright as you.