child milk

'happy new year, are you okay? are you happy?'

someone's dad; someone important, someone who had once or twice, or perhaps has--still, everyday meant a lot to me. it's okay time to gulp the words back, previously thrown up down the sewer system for the whole world to see, sometimes words that i refuse to get along with don't always mean hypocrisy--people change with time, c'mon--okay i forgot what i wanted to write on this part, really, but it should bounce back to me in any minute.

so, well, idk; she's a stranger too so i don't think this is a fair play. perhaps she exerts 9999x more energy on 'this girl', in sending you e-mails 'you're brilliant nat' 'have a good day' 'xx'while i couldn't somehow bring myself to that. wish i could tell her look at me, i do not have blank eye for you, this is a reflection of pieces of you pierced deeply into my cornea with a gust of wind, a blow of dust every time i want you to stare in. lurk around here. but you're not around. well ok i didn't reply your last e-mail, i don't know what else to say. but won't you once write first to me

sometimes your absence smarts.

i look at your friends, pretty and amazing; pretty amazing
one of them is very good at writing too
belongs to the 'creative scene'
stalked her. opened her facebook page

S.E.Wee

with a family portrait pasted to her wall
she is very. pretty,
i mean. really
i looked at her mom, she's pretty too
'average pretty'

perhaps i'm like the mom too but, i wonder about the joy slash the misery of having a child you can be proud of
is it really contagious? the goodness? the joy? the pride?
what does it feel like to have a child
if let's say, she's pretty and all--i mean my child
what should i be happy about
there's no 'X IS MY DAUGHTER' scrambled over my forehead
why should i be happy, as i don't feel her; well maybe once when she's in my womb

child, what does it feel like to have a child
who can't feel and remember until she grows up
'children amnesia'
what does it feel like to wait for something that may or may not ripe?
will i really be happy if my daughter is happy
what will happen if she, let's say, accomplishes what i have always wanted to?
will i feel accomplished too
having a child doesn't make sense to me.
i don't get how children's success etch beautiful scars on parents' faces.

anyways nat
you topped your whole class
i'm unworthy to send some congratulatory message
idk
maybe i just don't want too. maybe i'm envious HOW COULD YOU HAVE THEM ALL
i think you laughed your way down the spaces between my words
did you?
'linguistic incapability'
you know it's not
'lexical gaps'

also,
happy birthday
you're 20.
today? yesterday?

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i walked into my father's room, asking for extra cash 'bear with me until february' i say
'be careful of things you ever think of stepping on'
and i feel tired.
he knows, deep down, but he won't ever accept this
because it's not only a technical matter
you see,
we're talking about faith
do i have one?
do i seem to have one?
is faith like hymen
some people are born with it
some survive without it
some lose it along the way
is that my dad's concern
i closed my door
and i felt, now still feel very tired

i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired

'what are you tired of'

blobs of sweat tears and sea salt
it's nothing compared to your giant life but
can you taste them at the tip of your tongue?