to not be able to remember anymore, is my greatest fear. if there is no afterlife, if we turn into worm food when we die, just rot as the world continues living, with each second of ticking clock passing by. our bodies indifferent and cold, warmed only by the air of the ground beneath this yellow earth. someone's father said, being dead is not a good thing or a bad thing. it just is.

how could something that is not bad nor good, stir so much thoughts in my mind, provoke implausible ideas and illusive heartbreaks? is this the cost of doubts at such inappropriate timing? doubts are not a sign of bravery, i'm going against the currents without knowing whom i could hold on to.

i have these memories of you intact, without knowing for sure whether they are for real because, although i am in full charge of my hands, each finger and muscle, i have no power over this collection of datas in my head. i reject any kind of certainties. but at least, i have my own dimension of reality, and i do not care if this is just something preprogrammed, whether this really happened, because really, it all now seems so beautiful. i'd like to remember you and everything in our surrounding not as what they once were, but as what i'd like them to be remembered. and one day i'll have crow's feet under my eyes, wrinkles inhabiting my epidermis and tears no longer as fluid as they are now. memories will fade away, will be taken by those hands of chimerical diseases, seemingly tame because i will have no knowledge of my suffering. i will not know that they once were there, that your shirt i once wore, the path we once walked together, those pages still fresh in memories now, memories that are so fragile, never like a data storage. there is still a point of holding my hands even if i may forget about your touch someday.

but darling, trust me there is nothing more i would like to keep to myself than these memories of your gentle omnipresence. like the frame i had in my mind of those candles in ps cafe, from which we rode a cab and you asked me afterwards, "do you want to make this exclusive?"