beck - everybody's gotta learn sometimes

I changed quite a lot and I realised that. I won't say for good, I don't like to judge myself. (after reading sputnik) I just sometimes pity those who talk about other people, so eagerly as if finding flaws and affairs of other people matters so much to them. I used to be like that too, one of those giggling junior highschool girls who love to gossip yet are oblivious to the fact that they are being gossipped at the same time. (the famous irony, yeah: those who gossip with you are going to gossip about you.) It was fun, I must admit. And there are many other positive aspects of typical gossippers too, HEY! They don't gossip all the time. They know best how to make stupid but relevant jokes.

I avoid gossiping much nowadays, after realising how sin-bound that activity actually is. (And it's quite difficult at times, this habit can seep subtly into your day) My boyfriend said those people seek pleasure in gossiping, they feel grand when they are talking about themselves or other people, as if the world orbitted around them. (I objected, actually, sometimes it was not because we wanted to be centre of attention. I must admit I was guilty, but it wasn't for attention, really. We felt good when we threw up everything buried deep in our minds. On the other hand, when talking about other people, usually we took lessons or simply was grateful that we did not have to undergo the same situation. Gamblangnya, tertawa di atas penderitaan orang lain.)

He also said, quoting the line from an analytical, economy related book that we all want to be unique. I said it was one empty generalisation. He insisted. Ok, I think it is one of our basic needs after all, that we yearn to be identified. But how far you go for that, leaves a big question mark. Some try hard and succeed, some just fail. Some don't even bother to think about it, but success precedes naturally, without them realising it. We all want to be treated special--unconsciously--treated differently in a better sense, not for worse or discriminated. We long for affection, no matter what form it has to come as. I want to be treated differently too, I want someone to stroke my hair and whisper quietly, and breathes warm air to my ear. Whether it is something sweet or cheesy, whether it is under romantic context or not, it doesn't matter.

Whatever I've written on the last two posts must seem like a pitiful waste of time to you, if you happen to read these. You may have experienced this before. You may disdain this writing. I like diverse reactions, though it could be painful sometimes. We are all the same in the sense that we all are different, anyway. When we talk about ourselves we only tell what we want to hear, or what we don't but craftily make excuse for it immediately, so it will still sound morally tolerable. We'll think we know best about ourselves, and conclude that whatever others say is the result of judging us superficially. "They don't know me enough," we claim. And we close doors to their opinions.

Well, it's good to be thick-skinned, because if you care too much about what others say it will ruin yourself eventually. But I guess we should also consider their sayings, because we can never see ourselves as a whole from one subjective point of view.